“The Kids: The Children of LGBTQ Parents in the USA”
Herman, Gabriela. The Kids: The Children of LGBTQ Parents in the USA. The New Press, 2017.
Gabriela Herman, a child of gay parents herself, compiled the personal stories of adults raised by queer parents in her photobook The Kids: The Children of LGBTQ Parents in the USA. Tracing throughout these autobiographical snippets were the overarching themes of homophobia, be it in the child or their community, and the struggle of fitting in and finding their way as a youth growing into an adult.
Most interviewees agreed that the unspoken pressure to be a poster child for the gay community was enough to force them to be extremely aware of the way their actions and choices would reflect on their parents. By being a minority, you lose autonomy. Now, instead of your actions being your own, each is held up to the light to judge the whole group you belong to. This is an especially trying struggle for second-generation queers. Some share that their upbringing in the LGBTQ community facilitated an ease of transition when they themselves came out, but others grappled with their identity. They tried to resist their sexuality in an attempt to uphold their image as a poster child and not further the ignorant myth that gay parents turn their children gay. Another overarching theme was the sense of loneliness in these children, who struggled to find their place in the LGBTQ community as more than an ally, but not necessary queer themselves. Though each child had a different degree of exposure to the community both in their youth and their adult life, they all seemed to struggle with finding people that were just like them, that is, others their age raised by queer parents. This loneliness is primarily due to the fact that the children of queer parents old enough to now be adults were among the first LGBTQ families that were able to exist in the United States. Even then, many of these families were only formed when a straight couple split up and a parent subsequently came out, adding to the complications of family dynamics and turmoil for the child or children to grow up around. With the legalization of gay marriage, prospective parents no longer have to finesse a system stacked layers deep against them in order to build their family. That is not to say that LGBTQ families do not still face unique and difficult challenges, but being able to have both parents’ names on a birth certificate, or being able to win a custody lawsuit, are huge steps and mean the world to these families.
Three specific stories from this collection stood out as particularly relevant to my realm of research in this paper. These were the autobiographical tales of Kayley, adopted from Lima, Peru, and twins Rosie and Robert, also adopted from Peru. Kayley’s quote outlines the struggle her moms went through to adopt her. They, like all other Americans until gay marriage was legalized, had to apply for adoption as a single parent. In Kayley’s case, one of her moms applied to adopt and attempted to pass her partner off as a roommate, but she struggled to find an agency that would approve her fit to adopt. Finally, they were able to adopt internationally. When gay marriage was finally legalized, Kayley recalls fondly the beautiful group ceremony her parents and a few other queer couples celebrated at. Finally, she could have both her moms on her birth certificate. She also touches on her own queerness, and sees herself as more radically queer as a second generation, where there is so much more to strive for than just gay marriage. Rosie and Robert each have a separate page in this book, where their words are shared individually. They were adopted by one father living with his partner in Los Angeles, and a year and a half later, their other father became one of the first in Los Angeles to successfully complete a two-male second-parent adoption. Rosie chose to attend a Catholic all-girls school, and never understood why her family was considered sinful, but grew up very hesitant to share the fact that she had gay dads. Robert chose to discuss his and his sister’s ethnicity in his story, explaining that it was obvious they were not the biological children of their white dads. However, their dads were very encouraging of the twins exploring more about their culture and pasts, if they so desired. He emphasizes that his fathers raised him and his sister to be accepting and respectful of everyone, regardless of race, religion, or any identity they may have. He then goes on to express the pressure he feels to be a poster child and a role model, especially in the political climate of today, where many eyes look to this first generation of queer families to find examples that support their agenda.
I find this book to be a masterpiece of voices, weaving the stories of the children of queer parents, each story its own snippet of a life. I see this beautiful work as the crown jewel of my annotated bibliography, since it comes from the mouths of the very people I set out to research. Only briefly mentioned is the element of race, a very relevant factor that I wish had been included in more of their stories. Though, I do find it fitting that in these page-long autobiographies, some people of color deemed race-related factors worthy of being included, and others did not. My only real complaint about this work of art is that I want more. A page is not enough to explore an entire life. I want more than a peephole; I want a floor-to-ceiling window into the experience of these children of LGBTQ families. Within that more in-depth narrative, the factor of race and ethnicity could be fully explored, as both a personal pedagogy and a valuable case study.